In A Posting Mood

Maybe I could start this again? Second time lucky.

I do often tell myself, "Perry, you should write a blog, everyone tells you you have a good way with words". Maybe I do, but I am the first person to complain at pretentious teenagers typing some meaningless blog, expecting everyone and their dog to read it, spending hours and hours editing and publishing for nobody until you are so desperate that you force friends to comment on every entry you make.

But also, if people read it I'm running a successful blog, but if in the more likely event that they don't, then this can just be a diary, right?

So maybe a brief introduction.

I'm Perry. Still only 19 and I live with my brother in a town called Stevenage, just north of London. My life is pretty okay right now, I have been studying Theravada Buddhism since last September and not only do I feel I have a purpose in life now, but it has made me a much better person in this past year.

I have Asperger's Syndrome. Having Asperger's is generally okay if you stay on top of it, it's like one of those indoor baseball courts they have in the USA, every now and again you get a ball speeding at your direction, and you have to ensure you hit that ball in time, because if you don't you'll lose control and have balls hitting you all over the place. Not a great metaphor I know, but it's the best I can think of right now. It's not the toughest disability in the world, obviously, but if you take each challenge one at a time it's simple. If you let it overcome you, like it did with me a few years back, it can be awful.

I was always the "good boy" at school, or tried to be. My autism as I child meant I was still prone to violent outbursts when provoked, but I always tried hard, and I went into senior school aged 11 as the "nerd" who wanted to get work done.

What happened? I was bullied for being the geek. Due to this, I gradually veered off that track, and by 14 I was something of the "class clown", I preferred making other people laugh and get myself thrown out of the class than getting good grades and the like. But then as the GCSEs rolled around, I realised I was now being looked down upon as a timewaster by the same people that bullied me before. It was an incredibly confusing situation.

I knew my GCSE results would be terrible, but I still had that drowning sensation when I saw how bad they really were. That was it. I'd wasted everything in an attempt to be popular, in the end I had no friends nor qualifications. I was left confused and angry with those that allowed me to slip, at the teachers who failed to show me what I was doing to myself, to those who were so quick to judge me.

I spiralled into a depression of sorts. Not the traditional "self-harm" way, but I retreated within myself, barely ever moving away from my computer, I hardly ever spoke, I put on a hell of a lot of weight. I was nothing. This was the Asperger's baseball balls hitting me in the forehead and the stomach, over and over again.

I rarely left my house. I became a recluse who hid, ashamed and embarassed to leave that summer. I studied in Post 16 for a further 2 and a half years, but others noticed how the joker who always had the smile on his face was now worn-out, blank, quiet. The only way to get out of this is to gradually try and pick up every ball on the floor, and be patient. I am now back in college trying to sort myself out. I live with my brother, I go outside regularly, I'm not scared of other people so much, my weight has dropped considerably.

I think it is fair to say that my interest in Buddhism has a strong influence in this. I realised that it wasn't the teachers fault, it wasn't the fault of the other students either. I was the one who sacrificed my education to be the comedian, the choice to continue on as the good boy was always there from the start, and I ignored it!

I'm sure it's not too late for me.